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Published: June
22, 2003
Edition: METRO Section: VARIETY Page#: 1E Coming Out
Moving On
GLBT teens are opening up to who they are earlier. For David Murr and
his family, the process has put them in touch with many different emotions,
helping David to accept himself and envision a promising future.
By H.J. Cummins
Staff Writer
Tom and Gretchen Murr had strapped themselves in for the wild ride that is adolescence with three children already, when child No. 4 nearly threw them. David, their youngest, the math whiz, the almost-Eagle Scout, the natural leader, spent much of his sophomore year at Eagan High School barely speaking to them. ``At first, it was frustrating,'' Gretchen Murr said of that time three years ago. ``Then it got disturbing. He just got so sad. I really felt we were losing him.'' Not until the last day of that school year did the Murrs solve the mystery. Tom Murr walked in on his son surfing computer Web sites on sexuality. Is this a problem of pornography, he wondered? ``No, I'm gay and I'm just doing research to help me understand myself,'' David blurted out. Gretchen Murr will always be thankful for her husband's instinctive response. ``Is that all?'' he told their son. ``That's something we can deal with.'' That day, David Murr brought his parents into his ``coming out,'' a process that for him had started as faint confusion in middle school, surfaced as a first crush as a freshman and, ultimately, broke through his own denial over the Christmas holidays. That day, the three of them started to re-imagine David's future - as a gay man. They had no clue what to do next. They just knew the secret had been killing them, and that now they could figure out the rest together. David was 15, and whether he knew it or not he had just become part of a trend. Across the country there are signs that gay teens - more precisely: gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender, or GLBT teens - are coming out younger. Activists say anecdotally that they see it. And one collection of research indicates that GLBT folks now come out to themselves, at least, between the ages of 14 and 16 - down from 19 to 23 in the 1970s. It makes sense, many experts said. The larger culture has gradually become more accepting. GLBT life has even gone mainstream in some ways: ``Will and Grace'' - the story of a gay man and straight woman as best friends - is one of the most popular shows on TV. There's also the Internet. GLBT teens can find both information and support there, because one thing the Net does best is connect people who otherwise could feel isolated. Coming out younger is a good thing, some experts say. It means GLBT teens can start earlier to know and like who they are. And the earlier they can be themselves, the earlier they can figure out their lives and relationships - preferably beginning in their teens, like everyone else. The single concern, however, is still acceptance. Coming out means GLBT youngsters can be targets of harassment in schools. Also, some of these teens risk rejection by their parents. Some homeless shelters estimate that 40 percent of their young residents are GLBT teens. . `Not like everybody else' David Murr remembers taking his first step. In seventh or eighth grade, he started to feel that he wasn't straight. ``That's very much how I looked at it,'' he now says. ``I couldn't pinpoint what I was, I just knew I wasn't like everyone else.'' His first crush on a boy came when he was a high school freshman, and it only added to his confusion. He had pictured his future to be like his parents' - a happily married couple, a man and a woman. How could he have that if he loved a man? He started his sophomore year in a silent, internal debate: I'm gay. No, I'm not. Yes, I am. I can't be. Yes, I can. Then one night, during the Christmas holidays, the ``yes'' side won. ``Something happened, and I'm not quite sure what,'' he said. ``I was up late, just flipping channels, and I realized what I had been denying in myself, that this physical attraction I had for other guys was something more intrinsic. It was when I realized that that was who I could fall in love with.'' The first person he came out to was a longtime friend. He's not sure why he picked her, except that he had a feeling she'd be OK about it. And she was. The second person was an ex-girlfriend; ``I hadn't talked to her since we broke up, but I felt she had a right to know.'' She reacted well, too. It gave him the confidence to come out to many of his guy friends, one by one, over the next few months. ``I expected to lose some friends in this process, and I didn't,'' David said. ``I guess I really lucked out in that way.'' That left his parents. He was too afraid to tell them. That's why he withdrew. ``I knew rationally that they'd be OK,'' he said. ``But there's still the fear, the what-if-they're-not feeling. That's what made this doubly hard. My family is very important to me, so I wanted them to know very badly. But I also didn't want to risk losing them because of this.'' David felt his parents asked sort-of silly questions after his sudden news: How do you know? Are you sure? But he understood that they had to start at the beginning, just as he had. His mom set out to read everything she could about homosexuality. She talked to him a lot, more than his dad did. But she said his dad was talking to her. They were all looking for answers. . Private thoughts Gretchen Murr describes her husband as ``a good Republican and a good Catholic.'' In fact, Tom Murr came of age at a time and in a faith that believes homosexuality is wrong. That's why, while immediately embracing his son, Tom Murr had some issues to work through in private. He wondered, briefly, if they'd ``made'' David gay somehow by the way they raised him. He also half-expected a counselor to shrug all this off as a passing phase. But in the end, all those ``Phil Donahue'' episodes he'd watched came through. Tom Murr learned that some people are gay. That's all there is to it. ``I'd been very worried about my son,'' he said. ``But to me the problem wasn't that he was gay. The problem was that he was struggling with being gay.'' Now, as with his other children, all he wants is to see his son grow into a happy, healthy adult. So with all due respect to the church he loves, Tom Murr has decided he can't abide its admonition that homosexuals must remain celibate. ``We all have needs of belonging and caring,'' Tom Murr said. ``To say that because you're not attracted to the opposite sex that you must live your life in loneliness is just Dark Ages thinking.'' Gretchen Murr's first instinct that night three years ago was also to embrace David: ``I just had to hug my son and tell him I loved him.'' Her second was to try to understand something she'd never encountered before. ``I had no knowledge about any of this,'' she said. ``I wanted counseling right away, not to `change' him but because I was thinking, `You're 15 years old and I still need to parent you and make sure you're OK.' '' She ordered books on gay children and looked for advice from a social worker she knew. ``The first thing I remember was some of the painful, painful responses to these kids,'' Gretchen Murr said, ``and all the teen suicides and homelessness because some of these kids can't come out, or they're not accepted by their parents. It was heartbreaking.'' The weekend after school was out, the Murrs took David and some of his friends to the family cabin on the St. Croix river. ``That was probably healing but also an emotional time for me,'' she said. She loved seeing the circle of friends he'd had for years, but when she was alone she cried. ``The thing that hit me then was how different his life was going to be than I had always thought,'' she said. She worried that David's future would be hard. She knew some people hate gays. She was afraid he'd get hurt. She thought about AIDS. That fall, David agreed to talk about what it felt like to be a gay kid in school, at a training session of middle-school faculty in another school district. That led to Gretchen Murr's introduction to two teachers, both gay men. ``I needed to meet some gay people, I wanted to gain a comfort level,'' she said. ``They were awesome. And our son was incredible. After that, things were definitely easier.'' David continued to thrive academically in high school. Gretchen Murr still worried about him, though, never forgetting his older brother's advice to him: ``Don't come out at school,'' he'd said. ``It's not safe there.'' David once told his mother that on a good day he'd hear the words ``fag'' or ``gay'' or ``queer'' only a couple of times, though he was never sure if they were directed or him or just part of the regular hallway buzz. Gretchen Murr was not surprised that her thorough, methodical son had started his college search years early, and that he chose DePaul University in Chicago, partly because of its reputation as having a campus atmosphere of tolerance. Last fall, David Murr started at DePaul as an English major. His parents visit regularly, and have met his new friends there - including his boyfriend, Andre, who has already visited their Eagan home a couple of times. Gretchen Murr realized recently just how comfortable she'd grown with all the new circumstances. ``I thought again about how different our family photos are going to be than I'd expected,'' she said. ``What made me happy was when I realized I still saw David in all of them.'' . H.J. Cummins is at hcummins@startribune.com. . THE PROS AND CONS OF COMING OUT YOUNG Advantages: The advantages of coming out young: GLBT youngsters go through the work of adolescence - building a healthy self-identity and healthy relationships - as teens instead of having to reexamine all that later when they come out as adults. They can begin to plan their futures, including choices of careers and partners, and possibly relocation or children. Also, their families can get comfortable with the new reality earlier, and figure out how to stay close. Disadvantages: The disadvantages: There is still harassment and victimization in many schools. Also, if parents are rejecting, GLBT youngsters may be without emotional and financial support at a young and vulnerable age. The numbers: In surveys over the years, in states including Minnesota, Washington and Massachusetts, between 1 percent and 5 percent of students identify themselves as GLBT youngsters. Why parents worry: Most parents are ambivalent when their GLBT youngster comes out to them, often because they worry their child faces a more difficult and dangerous future. Degrees of coming out: There's evidence that closeted GLBT people struggle the most through life. Some GLBT folks appreciate strong ties to a gay community, but others are just as happy coming out to themselves and a partner or a small circle of friends. In fact, some may legitimately feel more comfortable not coming out at work or to their families of origin. Orientation, not disorder: The American Psychiatric Association reclassified homosexuality from a mental disorder to a sexual orientation/expression 25 years ago. Source: Caitlin Ryan; Doug Haldeman; SIECUS. . TYPICAL MILESTONES FOR GAY/LESBIAN YOUTHS Sexuality researchers note that gay teenagers are ``coming out'' earlier than they did two decades ago. Today, a common scenario might look like this: 10 - First feelings of attraction for other kids of the same sex 12 - Looking at sexy magazines and confiding different feelings to a trusted friend 13 - First experience of same-sex connection, kissing behind the school 14 - Deciding you're gay 15 - Opening up to a favorite school counselor 16 - Telling parents . MORE INFORMATION ONLINE AND OTHER Teens and their families can turn to these resources: PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays): http://www.pflag.org; 612-825-1660. District 202: GLBT youth community center, http://www.dist202.org; 612-871-5559. Out for Equity: Part of St. Paul Public Schools, http://www.spps.org/outforequity; 651-603-4942. Out 4 Good: Part of Minneapolis Public Schools, 612-668-5314. National Youth Advocacy Coalition: http://www.youthresource.com, or http://www.youthresource.com/health/caitlin/index.cfm; 800-541-6922. Source: Star Tribune research. . IN PRINT ``GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer & Questioning Teens'' by Kelly Huegel is just out from Free Spirit Publishing of Minneapolis ($15.95 paperback, ages 13 and up). It's aimed at teens questioning their sexual or gender identity and includes pros and cons about coming out, homophobia and anti-gay violence in schools, and advice on keeping safe and healthy. There's also a list of gay-friendly colleges, on which St. Paul's Macalester College ranks 15th and Iowa's Grinnell College 11th. John Habich . IF YOU GO GLBT Pride Celebration The annual Twin Cities event will include: Today: Family Pride Day and Picnic, Como Zoo and Park, St. Paul. Wednesday: Boat cruise, Harriet Island, St. Paul. Friday: Block party featuring Cyndi Lauper, Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis. Saturday and June 29: Festival, Loring Park, Minneapolis. June 29: Parade, Hennepin Avenue, Minneapolis. More information: For times, tickets and age restrictions, go to http://www.tcpride.com, or call 952-852-6100. Source: GLBT Pride/Twin Cities.
©
Copyright 2002 Star Tribune. All rights reserved.
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